Honoring a year, remembering him
1 year and 1 day ago Brian visited me in the dream realm for the first time since he died. It was Easter + 4/20, of course. The dream started off with one of his friends giving me a tour of an abandoned underground shopping area. As I peeked into the windows the displays held memorials of Brian. At some point I decided to lay down and then I saw Brians hand reach out for mine. I pulled him in close as he laid down next to me. Then I woke up… tearful that he came to visit, but sad because it wasn’t long enough.
Since then, Brian has sent me countless signs and dream visits. He is truly something special. To find ways to connect and communicate with be beyond time and space.
At the beginning of this month I intentionally took the first week off, off of everything. It was our 5th wedding anniversary, but the first since he died and his death anniversary all in the same week. I was dreading both days honestly. Unsure how I would feel. Would it be as horrible and painful as our fist birthdays were without him Earth-side? But, reflecting now and processing all of the feels… the week was somehow, bearable…
I think in some ways because I FEEL him so often. I feel him all of the time really. It’s the inner knowing that he is all around that comforts me in ways that when his death was shattering and raw, I felt, but was so in the trenches of the deepest darkest well of mourning.
Reflecting on this past year, I think Brian would be proud of how I lived out my days. I knew I wanted to feel all of the feels. It was my intention to go deep in grief,… and that I did. I wouldn’t have done it any differently. I think feeling everything so deeply, so intentionally, so sacredly…. made it possible for me to connect with him even more. To love him beyond form. The veil can be thin, and what a beautiful space that is.
I moved from my tiny caregiving bubble back out into community. I slowly started taking in person yoga classes again, running errands, making plans. Acts that may seem so silly and simple to some, but - oof, it all came with such anxiety and fear. Living in hibernation and wintering for so long, it was something that I became accustomed to and then being able to actually go back out in community, that was a challenge… and at times didn’t feel safe…
Fear and anxiety were emotions I wasnt prepared for. None of the MANY readings I did over the years said anything about fear showing up as grief so when it happened, it rocked me HARD… and still does honestly. Panic attacks. Anxiety attacks. The fear of leaving the house (his ashes), the fear of someone else I love so deeply dying, the fear of what I can not control… I become someone I never recognized or knew myself to be. It is so wild and strange when these feelings arise, but I try my best to feel it, to move it, to release it, and think of what Brian would tell me in the moment,… enough - and then I move on.
I finished and published a book, our book. I sit here, bug eyed just thinking about it. Bones and the Bereaved is in over 50 homes and even though that may seem small to some, it’s huge for me, for us. More than 50 people have welcomed this book, our creation, and his legacy into their lives. And that just fills me up with joy….
To the ending of the first year, and to the beginning of this next step…
Thank you for being here.
